There’s much that could be said about ‘dating’ (or the old-fashioned ‘courting’) from a Christian angle. There are many things lads and lasses perhaps need to be told or reminded of. Gents leading a ‘bachelor’ lifestyle perhaps need to take care of themselves by way of personal grooming—being clean, hygienic and presentable can go a long way! Ladies hopefully don’t need to be told the above (!), but perhaps need to be encouraged not to leave it all to the bloke, to make their feelings clearer if they can.

In this post I want to take a bit of a different tack and consider the one thing that really matters when it comes to Christian dating. As UK churches age and dwindle in size, some can be tempted to think it’s easier for a non-Christian to find a wife or husband – although, outside of the church, tragically it can sometimes be a case of ‘easy come, easy go’. However, Christians actually have a secret weapon up their sleeves, which is why I don’t necessarily think that it is easier in the world at large to ‘find love’. Christians don’t date as the world does.

Don’t be like Archibald and Doreen

When it comes to dating, there tend to be two extremes of Christians. Firstly, those who very much desire to marry but leave the matter of a future husband or wife entirely with God and do nothing about it, which is commendable in one sense and potentially disastrous in another. Archibald the guy who can never quite pluck up the courage to ask her out. Doreen the girl who’s never quite shrugged off the teenage fantasy of the perfect boy who will one day come along and sweep her off her feet. Or even more tragically perhaps, those who believe that God has directly told them that He will provide a spouse, so all they must do is sit back and wait patiently.

I think really that this kind of people have a defective view of God’s providence. He is sovereign and orchestrates all things, yes, but we are not without agency or responsibility. We ought to pray and seek Him and do what we can, only then leaving things ultimately with Him and trusting in His will for us. Some perhaps need to get off their backsides and give it a go! As one man put it, discerning God’s will is like gently pushing on doors to see if any of them give; some doors may open, some may not. If none open, then maybe we’re in the wrong corridor or need to back up and go the opposite way. It’s not God’s will for everyone to marry, but is it any wonder that He seems to call a surprising number of people like this to singleness!

The other extreme perhaps are those who make finding a spouse the be-all and end-all of their lives, and get stuck in the dating rut, but never really seem to get anywhere. Bertram isn’t getting any younger and worries that he’s not hitting the gym often enough. Gertrude imagines that if only she could find a husband then all her problems would be solved. They see many of their peers happily married and can’t help but feel a bit jealous. They’re always holding out the hope that this next person might be the one. Frustration turns to sadness and loneliness as time goes on. I think those who tend to this second extreme can sometimes be a case of not finding contentment in God alone, even of making marriage and the ideal partner an idol in their hearts. If you’re in this boat, don’t believe that a relationship is going to solve all your problems – it won’t, actually it will most likely add to them! Being single has its benefits (1 Corinthians 7:33-35), see Michael’s excellent post on Why being single ISN’T the end of the world.

Christ is the key

Now, I want to take a big step back and consider the key to dating which all Christians possess.

All Christians, male and female, share the Lord Jesus. This may sound corny, but I believe Jesus is the key to our dating. No Christian marriage is complete without Christ. He is the middle-thread in the ‘cord of three strands’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12). If we share Christ, we share everything worth having ultimately. This actually gives us a big headstart compared with worldly dating—we have an instant connection. When people go out on dates, there can be awkward small talk and not much else, instead we should work much more on making spiritual connections and fostering genuine, heartfelt spiritual fellowship. Explore your faith together. Ask ‘how did you become a Christian?’ as a question for a first date.

Get to know a person through knowing him or her as a brother or sister in Christ first. Meet for a coffee in a public place, rather than going all out on a posh restaurant. Relax and take the pressure off yourself. This may lead to something for you both or it may not, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Being open about your faith, fears and doubts early on will also better prepare you to be more open about your feelings for each other later as well.

Looking for key-holders

Physical attraction and romance is vital for a relationship to work, but so is godliness. If Christ is the key then those who are in Christ, who have this key will evidence Christ-like behaviour, treating each other royally as sons and daughters of the King. If we want to be married, above all we must work on godly character ourselves and then we must look for holders of the key.

When I first met my wife Jemimah, one of the things that stood out for me was her godliness and love for the Lord. We were blessed to get to know each other as friends for a couple of years. It took me a while to realise how I felt about her. But what knit our hearts together as friends and then as more than just friends was simply praying together on the phone; we ended up doing this almost every evening. It really is the best way to get to know anybody. How a person prays, or how his or her relationship with God manifests itself, really is the most important thing in a relationship. Whilst we won’t ever be perfect, many of us can be woefully unprepared for marriage. Living in such close proximity to one another brings out many of these hidden faults; my wife and I fast realised that neither of us was as good as we had first thought!

This means finding a wife isn’t going to solve Reginald’s porn problem—if anything, tragically, it will make it worse, porn turns men into monsters and husbands into abusers. It means that Gertrude should stop worrying excessively about her outward appearance and start worrying more about what her inward appearance looks like to God. These are generalisations, but both need to start dealing with the sin in their hearts. Both need to cultivate that attractive, godly, Christ-like character. Both need the teaching and fellowship of being part of a faithful church. Both need Christian friends to hold them accountable and the seasoned advice of an older man or woman (or indeed an older couple) to help them better prepare for marriage.

In it together

So there you have it. I believe the key is Christ and, following on from that key, the godliness that comes from being a new creation in Him. I hope you find this encouraging and freeing. Sometimes we can feel like a bag of nerves and can’t get over our awkwardness, find the right words or know how to make the first move. In which case, there’s nothing wrong with asking your friends or your pastor for some advice or to pray through the matter with you. I needed a gentle prod from my future father-in-law to properly ask my wife out!

We shouldn’t worry about what we don’t have control over; pray about it and give it to God, then focus on developing godly character and having real spiritual fellowship with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Even if this doesn’t lead to anything, it’s still quality time with God’s people. Talking to them makes you realise they’re just people too, trying to muddle their way through life. Marriage isn’t everything, but single, married, widowed or divorced, we’re all in it together, the family of God.